SAN ANDREAS — If you’ve been wandering the streets wondering why the usual echo of questionable journalism and half-truths has gone suspiciously quiet… you’re not hallucinating. Weazel News has been silent for nearly four months.
No headlines about crypto conspiracies. No dramatic protest coverage. Not even a half-baked exposé about a man yelling at deputies over dipping sauces. The silence has been deafening and, frankly, unprofitable.
So what happened? Let’s just say: burnout is real, our coffee budget was slashed, and someone (not naming names, Vince) installed a “motivational gong” in the newsroom that actually made everything worse. Between server meltdowns, editorial misadventures, and a short-lived attempt to pivot to interpretive dance news delivery, we took an unscheduled sabbatical.
But now? We’re back. And slightly less stable than ever.
We’re re-entering the arena with all the grace of a golf cart evading spike strips (see: Christian Morano, Nov. ’24), and with the same spirit that brought you such hard-hitting stories as:
- “Crypto Crash Imminent” (months before it actually crashed)
- “Sandy Shores Protest Ends in Kumbaya Campfire” (hug it out, folks)
- “Crypto Shock: Coin Drops to $750” (turns out Vince Mincini might’ve been… right?)
And yes, you can expect more of the same: the unverified, the unnecessary, and the undeniably entertaining.
So grab your Cluckin’ Bell combo, turn up the police scanner, and get ready — Weazel is back, and we’ve got four months of unhinged news to catch up on.
