SAN ANDREAS – With snow finally hitting San Andreas like a poorly timed traffic update, state officials are issuing a chilly reminder to all residents: keep the winter fun where it belongs. That’s parks, backyards, and definitely not the middle of the road.
That’s right, folks. While your inner child might be screaming to turn every street into a Winter Wonderland remake, officials say: put the sled down and step away from the boulevard.
“We get it. Snow is rare, exciting, and makes everyone lose their minds,” said State Transportation Spokesperson Kelly Frostbite (what a fitting last name). “But building snow forts in traffic lanes, snowboarding down Vinewood Hills, or using public roads as your personal sled track is a recipe for a 10-car pileup and probably a very icy lawsuit.”
State parks are open and ready for snow-loving citizens — from snowball skirmishes to Instagram-worthy snowmen (or snow-people, if we’re being politically correct). And if you’ve got a yard, congrats, that patch of frozen lawn is officially safer than the middle of Route 68.
Let’s be real: snow piles are not a substitute for turn signals, and using the freeway off-ramp as a ski slope only ends one way…on Weazel News, under the headline “Local Moron Mistakes Icy Shoulder for X-Games Audition.”
Key points from the state warning:
- Don’t block roads with snow piles, ramps, or jump zones.
- Avoid recreational activities on roads, medians, or intersections.
- Clear snow responsibly from driveways and sidewalks — not just yeet it into the street.
- Obey emergency vehicle access rules — they’re not plows, people.
Weazel News will be monitoring the situation closely, mainly from the warmth of our studio, sipping cocoa and judging you.
Stay frosty, San Andreas.
