When the sun goes down and the streets of San Andreas get weird, two fast-food giants rise to the occasion: Cluckin’ Bell and Burger Shot. Whether you’re stumbling out of a bar in Vespucci or coming off a double shift in Blaine County, chances are you’ve asked yourself this question at 2 a.m.: chicken bucket or heart-attack burger?
We put both contenders through a completely unscientific showdown to determine who truly reigns supreme in the late-night kingdom.
Taste
Cluckin’ Bell’s spicy sandwich packs more grease than a Vespucci mechanic’s rag, while Burger Shot’s Bleeder Burger tastes like regret stacked on a sesame bun. At this hour, taste is secondary to survival, but Burger Shot’s patties edge out the win for sheer volume of salt and cheese.
Accessibility
Cluckin’ Bell has the edge on drive-thrus, but Burger Shot wins with sheer presence. No matter where you are, there’s probably one glowing red sign daring you to clog your arteries. Of course, both chains share a fatal flaw: at least one fryer or ice cream machine will always be out of order.
Chaos Factor
Late-night dining is as much about the entertainment as it is about the food. At Cluckin’ Bell, you’re likely to witness a shouting match over missing nuggets. Burger Shot? Expect someone asleep in the booth, a fight in the bathroom, or a guy in a paper crown giving a TEDx Talk about mayonnaise. Points to Burger Shot for unpredictability.
Value
Cluckin’ Bell’s “Cluckin’ Big Box” could feed a family of four or one really determined tow driver. Burger Shot, meanwhile, offers the “Heart Stopper” — a name that doubles as a health warning and a menu item. Either way, your wallet will survive, though your cholesterol won’t.
The Verdict
In the end, it’s a draw. The actual winner is whichever one’s closest when hunger strikes and you can’t remember your PIN. Whether it’s nuggets or bleeders, the late-night Hunger Games are less about flavor and more about survival.
Weazel News
Confirming your prejudices, one mystery patty at a time.
