VINEWOOD (maybe) — First, the Vinewood Journal declared Weazel News irrelevant. Now they’ve conjured up a faceless “whistleblower” to claim our newsroom is some corporate nightmare. Two full hit pieces in less than a week? It’s flattering, really.
The Journal’s first broadside painted our four-month hiatus as a death spiral: bankruptcy, collapse, or public indifference. They even described our April slowdown as a “pattern of decline.”
Cute. Yes, we slowed down. But here’s the thing: when Weazel takes a break, people notice. When the Journal writes 2,000 words about oat milk latte trends, nobody does.
They love to remind their readers that San Andreas has “moved on,” crowning themselves the “voice of the people” and insisting we’ve lost the throne. Here’s the problem: if you have to say you’re king, you probably aren’t. And if you’re still writing about Weazel in every other column, then guess what — the throne still isn’t yours.
Now, in their sequel, the Journal promises an exclusive exposé from an anonymous “whistleblower.” Allegations include:
- Absent editorial reviewers (translation: we trust our writers – except for those who lie).
- Faulty internal software (laughs in phone app being developed).
- Management that doesn’t personally introduce themselves to interns (alert the United Nations).
If this is the big Sunday bombshell, then John Doe might want to trade his “leaks” for a day job in Yelp reviews. Because here’s the kicker: our post views are higher than ever since our return. So maybe this “whistleblower” wasn’t exposing anything at all — perhaps they were just dead weight holding us back.
What’s really happening here isn’t journalism. It’s a theater. The Journal wants to cast itself as noble watchdogs while painting Weazel as collapsing under the weight of our own chaos.
Here’s the truth: our newsroom has quirks. Motivational gongs? Guilty. Interpretive dance brainstorms? Also guilty. But that chaos is what makes us Weazel. It’s why people still read us, still quote us, still argue about us. We don’t just deliver facts. We deliver facts with fire, satire, and a little chaos to keep this state awake.
Meanwhile, the Journal is still writing about… us. If San Andreas had really “moved on,” wouldn’t they?
So let the Vinewood Journal keep puffing their chest, dangling John Doe, and declaring Weazel finished. Because every time they do, they remind San Andreas of the only thing that actually matters:
Weazel News is still the story.
Can’t wait for Sunday though. We’ll bring the popcorn!
Weazel News
Confirming your prejudices, surviving whistleblowers, and living rent-free in the Vinewood Journal’s head
