SAN ANDREAS — As Labor Day approaches, the people of San Andreas prepare to do what they do best: not labor. That’s right — the one day a year when the country celebrates hard work by refusing to do any.
From dock workers to dispatchers, deputies to donut shop clerks, this is the time to kick back, fire up the grill, and pretend you haven’t silently resented your coworkers for the past 11 months.
Who Actually Gets the Day Off? Statistically? Fewer than you’d think. While government offices and banks will shutter their doors, essential personnel, such as police, paramedics, firefighters, tow operators, fast-food workers, and anyone who dared to put “flexible schedule” on their resume, will still be on duty, fueled by caffeine and blind loyalty.
To them, we offer this heartfelt message: “Your holiday is rescheduled to never.”
Here’s how the locals are planning to spend the day:
- Blaine County residents are expected to observe Labor Day by laboring on their 6th straight side hustle, which may or may not involve feral raccoons.
- City dwellers will be found arguing over who brought the wrong kind of potato salad to the Vespucci Beach BBQ.
- Weazel News staff will be catching up on four months of missed content while pretending our offices aren’t just two couches and a coffee maker shaped like a gun.
Despite the satire, Labor Day remains a valuable reminder: this state runs on people. Not policy. Not crypto. Not Vince Mincini’s “economically disruptive enlightenment portfolio.”
Real humans. In real jobs. Doing real work. Sometimes even competently.
So whether you’re sweating through a double shift or half-asleep in a hammock, we salute you.
From all of us here at Weazel News… Take a break. Grill something. Ghost your supervisor. Just remember: you are not your job. Unless your job is reporting news with reckless abandon — in which case, get back to it. Deadline’s in five minutes.
Happy Labor Day, San Andreas. Now go not work like you mean it.
