San Andreas, a land of potholes, protests, and people screaming “who’s in charge here?” — has always prided itself on its frontier-style chaos. But according to a recent Weazel News survey, a shocking number of residents now say what they really want is… wait for it… a functioning state government.
Yes, you read that correctly. Not another federal mandate. Not another faceless committee. Not another “task force” with a snappy acronym. An actual state government, with an elected governor, legislators, accountability, and maybe even a constitution that isn’t scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin.
When asked, “Would you support the creation of a formal state government for San Andreas?” — a staggering 68% of respondents said yes. Another 20% muttered something about taxes and left the survey half-finished, while 12% thought “state government” was a new gang.
As it stands, San Andreas operates under strict federal oversight, managed by a four-member board who function less like visionary leaders and more like a condo association deciding whether your lawn flamingos are “tasteful.”
This system, while convenient for Washington, leaves residents with zero say in state laws, zero transparency, and roughly the same level of trust you’d give to a used car salesman named “Sketchy Ron.”
Residents who participated in the survey were blunt:
- “We’re not a territory, we’re a state. Treat us like one.” – Vespucci respondent
- “I’d like to vote for someone I can actually yell at.” – Sandy Shores resident
Without meaningful representation, San Andreas risks spiraling further into discontent. We’ve seen the warning signs: protests outside Sheriff’s offices, conspiracy theorists livestreaming rants about “shadow cabals,” and yes, potholes still big enough to eat an entire Buffalo STX.
If Washington continues to shrug off these concerns, don’t be surprised if locals begin drafting their own constitution with crayons and duct tape.
We’re not saying a state government will magically fix everything. (This is San Andreas — nothing fixes everything.) But giving residents a voice in how the state is run isn’t radical; it’s democracy 101.
For too long, San Andreas has been treated like a sandbox experiment for federal oversight. Maybe it’s time to admit what the people already know:
We deserve a state. We deserve representation.
Now, before you clutch your pearls and cite this editorial in a dissertation, let’s be clear: our “survey” wasn’t exactly peer-reviewed. Respondents included:
- A handful of Vespucci beach joggers,
- Three people yelling outside Mission Row PD,
- A small but passionate group of homeless philosophers,
- And at least one guy who thought we were asking if he wanted another Cluckin’ Bell coupon.
In short: not a large sample size. But hey — if Weazel News waited for statistically valid polling, we’d never publish anything. Want to be heard? Cast your vote below! We’ll keep the poll open until Saturday, September 6th.
